Monday, February 13, 2017

14 Anti-Valentine's Day Songs For The Trenches

Little known fact about me:  I'm addicted to makeup.  It's my crack but at least it helps me look and feel prettier, doesn't rot my teeth, destroy relationships with everyone who loves me, and make me look 87 years old prematurely.  When you're Sephora VIB Rouge and the girls (and fabulous guys) who work there ask you where you've been when they haven't seen you in a few weeks, you start to realize you may have a problem.  Emphasis on the word "may."

Since makeup junkies need inspiration for their addiction, I'm also kind of addicted to YouTube beauty tutorials.  I watch several of my favorite channels a few times a week.  I've noticed this week, the trend is "Anti-Valentine's Day Makeup."  I like this tutorial in particular so much, I may break out my black lipstick on Tuesday.

All this blackness and anti-Valentine's Day sentiment has made me jaded (okay, jaded-er) this week.  If you're solo this Valentine's Day by your own choice or recovering from a cold blooded taint or ball kicking doled out by someone who doesn't deserve you anyway, grab your black lipstick (or black hoodie for the guys out there) and join me for my 14 favorite anti-love songs.

And also...  Because fuck you, Valentine's Day.  That's why.

14.  Third Day Of A Seven Day Binge by Marilyn Manson -  I saw Manson in concert and reviewed it here.  The man has mastered capturing our darkest thoughts in song form.  I know they're not cheerful words, but they make my black heart a little less black.  Grey, if you will.  "I'd rather be your victim than be with you."  If Manson doesn't get you out of the Valentine's spirit, I don't know who else can.

13.  Country Song by Seether - Who says you can't be bitter AND have a funny music video?  The boys of Seether say fuck that shit.  This song is for the dolts who go back time after time with open arms to the one person they know will shove a shiv up their ass every single damned time but by some miracle, the shiv-ee wakes up and gives the shiv-er the long past due walking papers.  So long, asshole!

12.  Cone of Shame by Faith No More -  Pay no attention to the old, gross guy.  She gets some really steamy sex from the young, hot dude later in the video.  Too bad young hot dude was killed (apparently?) and she was forced to wear a surgical cone made for dogs as punishment.  I don't know, love is weird, okay?  Just go with the rage on this one.  "You're only happy when you're pissing me off!"  Don't peel anyone's skin off or anything, though.  I won't post your bail.

11.  Love Hate Love by Alice In Chains - "This next song is about pain."  Layne Staley began this raw, emotional performance with those words.  This video makes us remember what we lost when he died - a legend.  And just a dude who suffered the same bludgeons from love that we do.  This video gives me chills, no matter what time of year I watch it.

10.  If You Think This Song Is About You, It Probably Is by Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows - Strap your ass into a chair before you listen to this one.  This one has four courses:  anger, anger, more anger with a side of anger.  Guess what's for dessert?  You guesed it.  I recommend sending it to your former love right after you delete their entire music collection from their computer.  Then go pillage their Cloud.  If they have vinyl, set fire to it while you're at it.  You're welcome.

9.  Black Dahlia by Hollywood Undead -  Speaking of throwing some truth down on a bitch, let's listen to some screamy vulnerable guys with lots of tatts and wounded hearts.  "I used to be love struck, now I'm just fucked up."  I can't really believe they weren't already fucked up, though.  Sorry, guys.

8.  You Won't Know by Brand New - There are lots of angry men out there.  Bitches, man.  Bitches.  They're cold.  This is one of the most haunting songs I've ever heard.  From the first chilling chords to the screamy lyrical goodness, this one is a proven angry go to for me.  "You're so good at talking smack, you heart attack, but you're the apple of my eye anyway."  For more screamy Brand New goodness, check out their song, "Sink".    

7.  Monkey Wrench by Foo Fighters - Come on!  You didn't really think I'd leave this one out, did you?  I couldn't be an authentic angry rock chick without offering this classic up.  Dave Grohl is at his sexiest, screamiest best when he's been thwarted by that fat bastard Cupid.  Swoon!  I'm swooning at Dave, not that fat bastard Cupid.  When I'm alone, I scream at the top of my lungs with Dave during that "One last thing before I quit" ultimate soul cleansing lyrical rant.  It comes at 3:10 in the video if you want to join along.

6.  My Name (Wearing Me Out) by Shinedown - Brent Smith, lead singer and hottie of Shinedown, has had it with your shit.  This is a great workout song, too.  You may as well go to the gym on Valentine's Day and get that ass back in shape.

5. El Paso by Taking Back Sunday - I don't know what the Texas city did to Adam Lazzara, lead singer of Taking Back Sunday, but whatever went down was not good.  Adam has been quoted as saying that after the band played this song back in the studio after recording it, the unanimous sentiment was "Holy shit!"  I wholeheartedly agree.  This band has so many angsty songs with biting and intelligent lyrics that I love to run to when I'm in the mood, but this kick ass, take no prisoners, blinding symphony of hatred is my favorite.

4.  Seventy Times 7 by Brand New - I tried to avoid repeating bands on this list but I had to include this song.  This song is about a bitter rivalry betwen members of Brand New and the band Taking Back Sunday, which also made this list.  You can google it if you want the lowdown, but of course, it was over a chick.  And has lasted for 15 years.  This song is about friendship gone awfully wrong and not necessarily about traditional romantic love.  It fits for me this Valentine's Day, though.  I've been used and tossed away like I was nothing this past year by people I thought were my friends, people I cared for and loved.  So for me, this song fits perfectly this Valentine's Day.  It's amazing how things can change in a year.  Hell, even in one week.

"So is that what you call a getaway?  Tell me what you got away with?  'Cuz I've seen more spine in jellyfish, I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids".

3.  Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance - My God, has it already been 10 years since the brilliance that is the album The Black Parade was released?  I mourned the break up of this band like I had lost a good friend.  And I had.  The coming to grips with lost love desperation that Gerard Way so passionately relays here is like no other.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all portrayed in this heartbreaking yet angry 4 minute video.

2.  The Reckoning by Halestorm - I tried to keep this list to just angry songs and not sad songs.  This one falls right in the middle but leans angry so I'll include it.  The only chick to represent us, well, other chicks, Lzzy Hale of Halestorm, serves up a good old plate of revenge to some nameless asshole who did her wrong.  I've seen Lzzy in concert and reviewed her and the band.  I'd be scared if you're the asshole she's singing about.

1.  Breakfast After Ten by Blue October -  This Texas band won over this Texas native long ago.  Justin Furstenfeld, lead singer of Blue October, writes some of the most amazing lyrics I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.  They vary according to the stage of the relationship he's in at the moment.  The love songs are like heaven but the breakup songs are so satisfying, they should be considered dangerous.  This is my favorite live performance of almost all time.  If you know the original song by heart, this offers up some nice ad-libs from Justin which just make the song even better.  Now, please excuse me while I go lace up my Converse shoes.  Black, of course.

I hope this list serves as therapy for those of you who need it this week.  Hold your heads up.  Don't give up.  Things may look very different this time next year.  In the meantime, throw everything your ex left at your place into a pile, light it on fire, and roast some marshmallows.  Marshmallows are white but you can burn them to match your soul and lipstick.

If by some miracle, you have someone in your life who treats you like you are not just an option but the only choice (I stole that from Pinterest and I won't apologize) and want love songs today, see my Top Ten Love Songs list here from last year.

'Till next time, y'all!


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