Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Steph's Top Ten Love Songs Of All Time

Are you stressing over Valentine's Day with your music geek girl?  Does the immense pressure of sending her the perfect romantic, I want to make slow, gentle love to you all night long love song wake you from sound sleep, drenched in sweat, and screaming?  Go to the store and buy chocolate (and not the shitty kind), champagne and roses.  I've got the music angle covered, guys.  And chicks.  This also works for chicks who have music geek dudes to woo on the holiest of love days.

These are my Top Ten Love Songs Of All Time, taken directly from my listening charts, which track every single song I listen to 24/7.  That's right.  I can't cover this shit up now.  These are the songs that make me feel incredibly horny romantic!  Let's get to it so you can be on time for your Brazilian wax (or Brozilian wax, for the guys out there) appointment.

10.  "Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen:  I don't normally like The Boss (sorry, Boss) but this song hits me in exactly the right spot.  No, not that one.  The heart.  It hits me in the heart, every single time.

9.  "Bliss" by Buckcherry:  Don't give me any shit over this one, okay?  It's a sweet song.  Shut up.  Yes, this is the band that brought us "Crazy Bitch" but they have a softer side, too.  Give them a chance.

8.  "Rough Boy" by ZZ Top:  An oldie but a goodie and my favorite ZZ Top song of all time.  This is a song by the Texas rock kings about knowing yourself and exactly who you are, desperately loving a person you probably shouldn't, and proposing to give it a shot anyway.

7.  "I Wanna Be Yours" by The Arctic Monkeys:  I saw these guys in concert a few years ago.  It was one of the best live shows I have ever seen.  If you want an incredibly smooth performance by a group of hot guys immaculately dressed, buy tickets to the next show in your area.  I highly recommend them.  If a chick resists this song, you don't really need her anyway.  Trust me.

6.  "When I'm Down" by Chris Cornell:  How does rock god Chris Cornell write a love song?  By still being a total bad ass, that's how.  One of the sexiest songs I've ever heard and with a lyrical twist I absolutely love.  If you can wear a black leather jacket like it was custom made for you and are way too cool for all that phony Valentine's Day mushy shit, this is your song.  Don't doubt me.

5.  "Who Needs The Sunshine" by The Heavy:  Yeah, so this song starts off with sounds of sex so if you haven't been there with your sweetie yet, I'd advise you not to open with this one.  If you've done sex sounds with your sweetie, then by all means, use this one to full advantage with the sunshine in your life.  As is most things The Heavy, this song is ultra sexy and... damn...  just damn.

4.  "The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down" by Blue October:  One of my favorite bands of all time, Blue October gives us this epic fantasy of a love song.  Justin Furstenfeld writes some of the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard.  "I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is".  I just took off my panties and I'm totally alone in my living room right now.  Imagine what would happen if you really sent this to someone on Valentine's Day.  Justin said to tell you you're welcome.


3.  "Wonderwall" by Ryan Adams:  This is one of those instances where a cover is better than the original.  In this case, so, so much better.  Ryan Adams took a mainstream rock song by Oasis and made it into the dreamiest, softest, most romantic thing of the decade.  This is the very first Ryan Adams song I ever heard and I was gone for him by the time this song was over.  


2.  "Don't Move" by Butch Walker:  You know when you really, really care about someone and eventually you make those sex sounds together that I mentioned up above in The Heavy post?  Go back and look.  I'll wait.  It's #5.  Remember now?  Good.  So, after all the sex sounds (hopefully several rounds of sex sounds), when the sun is just starting to come up but you can still see some stars, and you're looking at this person you really, really care about when you suddenly have an epiphany - the epiphany being that you can't possibly live without this person now, that everything has changed in a matter of hours and you're now in complete and total love and it hits you so hard that you can barely breathe?  Yeah, here's the song for that.

1.   "Option" by Crosses:  It is no secret I love Chino Moreno, the lead singer of the band Deftones.  He also has this little side project called Crosses and all their music is much softer than the general Deftones offerings.  Just about every song they put out makes my panties melt but this one...  holy shit, this one.  Chino writes the most beautifully intense lyrics I've ever heard.  This one isn't for the faint of heart.  It's for serious, life changing, intense and eternal love.  It's for The One.  Tread lightly.  You've been warned.  

For a thousand years, I've waited for her
To say the lines "from this day forward".
Just open your heart and say:
"I swear on the cross".
Can you promise that to the grave
You'll take my name?
Can you promise me?

All this time, I've prayed for this day to come true.
No one knows how deep the waves we waded through.
I wish I could take your hand and make it true.
No one knows how far apart we've stayed to get through.
Can you say "I swear on the cross"? 
Can you promise that to the grave
You'll take my name?
Can you promise me?

Feel free to use these songs for your Valentine's Day woo-ing.  You don't even have to give me credit.  Personally, I hate flowers because the overpriced bastards have a habit of dying, champagne is for prissy pussies, and chocolate just makes me fatter.  I prefer whiskey, sex, and a song sent to me.  Okay, fine, and maybe a Sephora gift card.  But that's just me.  Godspeed, y'all!  

Till next time, 



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